Devastated

I definitely feel that devastated is not the best word to discribe the situation... Ive been devastated before, whether it was hearing the diagnosis with Joanna before she was born or loosing Lois-Mae.... more on one of those later. However, I am sad that I lost my wedding ring. I Loved that ring, it wasn't big like a lot of other Lady's have, it wasn't filled with diamonds, but it was mine. Daniel and I went together to pick it out, and he was shocked to when I picked this one. He thought I would pick some fancy diamond just like every girl dreams of having. Nope I was just fine with my little Sapphire, it was beautiful and he wanted me to have it. What an honor and a blessed symbol to us. Yet yesterday as I was making a pie for my family, I sat it on the counter right in front of both Daniel and I. By the time I was finish making the pie it was no longer there. I know what your thinking, its probably IN the pie. We as well had that thought. However a detail that I didn't mention was Joanna was standing on a chair on the other side of the counter. I'm not saying she took it. I definitely don't think she swallowed it. (that is more Jena's field, because over the last week she has had the Heimlich performed by her daddy to which he was rewarded 35 cents, and she has stuck two Lego's in her nose, one in each side.) Joanna is more the type that thinks everything belongs to the trash can. Don't worry Daniel looked there to. He said he would hate to throw that money away :) then again he said we should put out a 10 dollar reward so no one would pawn it (boy do I love him). So where to look and what to do I don't know. What I can say is it has been awkward not having it on my finger. I don't have an anniversary ring or a mothers ring, so for now I have nothing. I will probably cry the day we find it, and I'm pretty sure if I don't have it by the time we say goodbye to the house, I will probably never see it again. I should be looking more towards do think that until you are there, but how can I not. I love that ring, and I love everything that is symbolises. I'm sad that's all. At least Daniel was right there when I did loose it. He even saw me take it off and lay it on the counter. Why neither one of us thought to put it away safely I have no clue.

I thought I would try and get my mind off Lois-Mae for a bit and I don't mean that in any sort of unloving way. I know it sounds that way, but unless you've gone through it please don't judge me. I feel like I need a rest. She being loved on and I think Jesus would say its OK. <3

I remotely remember finding out we were going to have another baby. It was exciting but also shocking. I think the only child we really tried to have was Ben and as difficult as he was to get pregnant with, all the others just seemed to follow. We wanted to wait until we got to California before we told the family's i think we were even gonna wait until Easter day. We drove out there because Daniel was getting deployed and we thought it best that the bigger kids and I stay there for 6 months rather then to be in Alabama alone. Yeah I was still really young and was scared to death to be alone with the two kids and pregnant with our third. What a blessing it was to have the lord lead us to do such a thing. I remember walking down to my parents house, giving everyone hugs,and my dad saying are you pregnant LOL. I couldn't lie about it. So there lead us on a journey that I was so lucky to have my family right there. Daniel and I didn't know what was wrong with Joanna until I had been feeling pretty weird for a few days and of course mentioned it to a few people everyone brushed it off due to the circumstances of the deployment. My mom called me one day after I had put the two kiddos to bed and said my great grandma was in the hospital. Pat and skip were gracious enough to watch them as I went to the hospital. When I got there my mom asked me if I was feeling OK because I seemed pail. I eventually passed out (i think) and was admitted. They did labs and an ultrasound. They found a cyst on the back of Jo's neck. I think i was around 23-24 weeks along. I was told to see the ob as soon as I could so they could look into tests. I was petrified. I don't remember a lot in between until we went into get the genetic tests ran. The doctor said that it would take up to 10days and of course it took exactly 10 hard days. We were told to come in and see the genetic counselor and I must be honest as much as I was against abortion for some reason I considered it until..... mom drove me to the clinic and we sat there, waiting to hear the devastating news of her being deathly ill. She said in not exact words... your daughter has a 10 percent chance of survival, we don't think she will make it past birth. AND she has not only 2 heart defects but a condition called tetrasomy X. What, whats that? she handed us some papers and told us, that it is such a rare condition that she could be anything from non functioning to ALMOST normal, however she will probably be nonfunctional. I think all my mom and I heard was, she could be ALMOST normal. Our questions were so you don't know she could be fine, with just a few problems? Now I'm not one to usually jump to the positive sides of things, I'm usually the one that thinks the worse. But for some reason I just couldn't. I think it was the Lord telling me keep going I will help you. I remember the geneticist telling me. I'm 26 week 5 days pregnant I recommend you have an abortion and the law only permits you to do so for 2 more days! I couldn't believe what she just told me. ARE YOU KIDDING ME!!! have an abortion when this little girl my Joanna is capable of surviving in this world right now if she had to. We hung on and left. The whole way back I think I cried and mom and I talked about what we needed to do. Through the rest of the pregnancy we went to pediatric cardiologists, neurologists, geneticist I think we went to everyone possible. She was diagnosed with an VSD (Ventricular Septal Defect-http://www.americanheart.org/presenter.jhtml?identifier=11066) as well as a PDA (Patent Ductus Arteriosus http://www.healthsystem.virginia.edu/uvahealth/peds_hrnewborn/pda.cfm) but we were also told that they can close up by 6 months to a year old (they did!) Anyways long story short. We had multiple, i mean MULTIPLE ultrasound after ultrasound. The doctor told me that if she still had the cyst at time of delivery we must do a csection because we don't want to cause damage to her. We agreed. On my due date we did an ultrasound and it WAS GONE! what an awesome day that was. but she didn't come that day. NO NO she wanted her own time. I went in 4 days later to be induced. and after induction, water breaking, and then her holding on to the doctors had and not wanting to let go, we went into the or, to have her by csection :) lol. I didn't see her, didn't see her for 2 days I think. She even got lost at one point because they didn't know where she was. After everything that I had already been through to get there, i wasnt gonna loose her., I thought she had dies and they weren't telling me.

Daniel finally tracked her down. She was in the NICU and not doing so well, but better then they thought she could of been. when we did see her she was beautiful. She had some feeding difficulties and pneumonia but she was beautiful. She was out of the hospital at 15 days old. and has taken us for a ride every since. Boy does she keep us on our toes.

Anyways that is the short version of how her little life started. any questions?? :)