I can't even come up with a good enough reason for not sitting here on my butt more often to write on this blog that I wanted to do so badly. I have no excuse at to why I can't even sit here twice a week., or once a week. I cant tell you how many times I have sat up so early in the morning basically twiddling my thumbs over stupid things on the Internet.

I feel like I'm loosing my mind, although how often do I say that during the week. There's a number of reasons why. And I'm trying to find a balance that makes it OK to type whatever the heck I want on here and 1) not be judged to much and 2) not reveal to much, for that is my character. I wish there was a way to see my therapist more often. I'm suppose to see her once a week but I cant because she's all the way on Taylor rd. and I have 4 kids I have to find places for. I Love my best friend and I know she would take the kids but I feel like no matter who I leave them with it can be a burden. Who knows which one will be sick that day either. I wonder how people get through life. I always say that my soul purpose in life is to raise my children so they can be something or do something great. I have no reason to be here other then that, God can't truly use me for me. I just feel like no one notices me anyways (my reason for revealing to much) which I mean is fine, I don't like to have attention on me what-so-ever. I'm just tired. I would like the simple thing of "hay I was thinking of you today". I feel like I take care of everyone (which I do enjoy) (and call me selfish) but it never feels like anyone wants to take care of ME. I can't tell you the last time I didn't make dinner, I cant tell you the last time everyone ate my dinner either. I am so tired of cooking. I use to enjoy it so much, but now i feel like its more a chore because I have to do it yet no one eats it. We say that meal time is family time, and we make sure we are all there at the table. but now our dinner conversations seem to be "encouraging the children to eat"

Quick Side Note: I totally forgot about Bellas jewelry party.. I feel completely horrible, as I'm sitting here it pops into my head. How can I forget something like that? She's trying to raise money to go to Africa, and I would do anything to help her, I told her I would be there and then it totally skips my mind. How great of a friend does that make me?

My brain has been haywire since Lois-Mae died I feel like i have NO IDEA what I am doing. I feel like the most horrible mom in the world. I can't get anything (myself included) together enough for everyone else to feel comfortable. What in the world is wrong with me.

Daniel and I are learning patience with having to wait so long for our orders. I think I NEED so much to be closer to Lois-Mae... I just want to sit with her, alone, and as silly as it may seem, have lunch and tell her how much I miss her, and how hard this is to do without her. It's pretty obvious that I am suppose to but I don't know how, and I don't know why I can't figure this out. I am petrified of where I will be in a year from now. I'm worried that I will never be there. I can't stand the thought of never getting to hold her again. It breaks my heart, and that's not fair for the other kids. I can't figure out how to chance that to them, and I cant see that as fair to Lois-Mae to not give her that Love that I have for her.

I want to throw everything in my house away. I'm beyond thrilled to throw out all the "baby" items and see my children be "real children". Then there are days that I look at them and wish that I didn't see them, because I wonder so much which one would resemble Lois-Mae more. Please dear Lord let us move, let us be near family, because I need family. I worry about the drama filled days that you get with your family, and pray that I can watch my tongue.

I think that shall be enough for tonight, the next time I blog it will probably be the same things over and over again. But I am going to make the attempt to use my blog.